Hello, dear readers. I’m Courtney, and at Inner Wellness, my passion is helping families navigate the beautiful, messy journey of life together. Today, I want to share a simple yet transformative concept that can shift the dynamics in your home: the 90/10 rule for interactions. In an ideal world, 90% of our daily exchanges with loved ones should be rooted in appreciation and clear requests, while only 10% should involve healthy, loving feedback—which, let’s be honest, is just a kinder way of saying “complaining.”
But here’s the reality check: most of us are way off balance. Instead of feeling seen and valued, family members often end up feeling nagged, disagreed with, dismissed, or overlooked. It’s not because we’re bad people or poor communicators by nature; it’s because life gets overwhelming, old patterns take hold, and we forget to prioritize the positive. Let me break this down for you and offer some gentle, practical ways to bring more harmony into your family’s everyday moments.
Why the 90/10 Rule Matters
Think about your last family dinner or morning rush. How many times did you express genuine appreciation for something small, like “Thank you for making coffee this morning—it really started my day off right”? Or make a clear request, such as “Could you please help set the table tonight? I’d love to have some extra hands.” These kinds of interactions build a foundation of trust and positivity. They remind everyone that they’re valued and that their contributions matter.
On the flip side, that 10% of feedback is crucial too—it’s how we address what’s not working. But it has to be delivered with love and intention, not as a knee-jerk reaction. Healthy feedback might sound like, “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with the chores lately, and I’d love if we could talk about sharing them more evenly.” When we keep this to just 10%, it lands better because it’s surrounded by a sea of appreciation.
The problem? In many families, this ratio is flipped. Complaints and criticisms dominate, often because unresolved grief, stress, or unhealed trauma bubbles up in disguised ways. We end up in cycles of nagging (“Why didn’t you do this?”) or dismissal (“It’s not a big deal—get over it”), which erodes connection and leaves everyone feeling defensive or invisible. Over time, this can lead to bigger issues, like emotional distance or resentment.
The Real-Life Impact of Being “Way Off”
From my years of coaching families, I’ve seen how this imbalance plays out. Parents feel exhausted from constantly correcting kids, teens feel unheard and rebel, and partners drift apart because the little appreciations get lost in the noise. One mom I worked with shared that she realized 80% of her interactions with her husband were complaints about household tasks. No wonder he felt defeated! Another family navigating grief after a loss found that their sorrow turned into short tempers, making everyone feel overlooked.
It’s not just anecdotal—research in positive psychology, like from Dr. John Gottman’s work on relationships, supports this. He found that stable relationships have a “magic ratio” of at least 5 positive interactions for every negative one during conflict. Scaling that up to everyday life, aiming for 90/10 keeps the emotional bank account full.
How to Shift Toward 90/10 in Your Family
The good news? You can start recalibrating today with small, trauma-informed steps. Here’s how:
- Cultivate Appreciation Daily: Make it a habit. Start a family gratitude jar where everyone drops in notes of thanks, or end the day with “rose and thorn” shares—focusing more on the roses. In my coaching sessions, I guide families to notice and voice appreciations in real-time, which rewires the brain toward positivity.
- Master Clear Requests: Instead of hinting or assuming, be direct but kind. Use “I” statements: “I would appreciate it if…” This reduces misunderstandings and empowers everyone. Breathwork can help here—taking a few deep breaths before speaking calms the nervous system and prevents requests from turning into demands.
- Handle Feedback with Care: Reserve that 10% for moments when you’re grounded. Frame it as a loving invitation: “I love how hard you work, and I’m feeling stretched thin—can we brainstorm solutions?” If emotions run high, pause and use breathwork to reset. In my 60-minute breathwork sessions, clients learn techniques to release tension before tough talks.
- Incorporate Mindful Practices: Join one of my retreats or workshops to practice these skills in a supportive space. Or book a free 20-minute connection call to explore how coaching can tailor this to your family’s needs.
Remember, peace in family life isn’t about perfection—it’s about staying connected through the hard moments. By leaning into the 90/10 rule, you’ll create a home where everyone feels appreciated, heard, and safe. If this resonates, I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments. Let’s build those authentic connections together.
